鏇煎煄鐞冨憳鍚嶅崟 :Zombie Lake
Some call this the worst zombie film ever, but I am certain that it is one of the best. And without question Zombie Lake is the greatest thing to make into the weird world of aquatic Nazi zombie movies featuring full frontal female nudity and large quantities of green face paint.
The movie opens on peaceful country lake somewhere in France. A young beautiful woman approaches the body of water, looks at her swimsuit, shrugs and decides to go full nude. Six minutes later a Nazi zombie is awoken from the depths of the lake and eats the young, naked, and bushy beauty. If you were paying attention closely you will have learned two things: 1. Nazi zombies are aroused from watery graves by naked women. 2. She had a large bush.
The story, though it’s up to interpretation, seems to follow a group of Nazis who are killed and chucked into the lake near town. Because lakes are good places to dump a bunch of bodies. Some years later, the dead Nazis get bored of being dead and are summoned by nudity and hell bent on engorging themselves on human flesh. Over the years there have been numerous occasions of people going missing in or around the lake as well, but it’s always chalked up to bad luck. Eventually, a reporter comes along to the tiny village to investigate.
Even better, one of the zombies apparently sexed up a French woman before being killed. The woman went on to have a bastard child, of which the dead Nazi comes back for and tries to raise properly. This particularly zombie also decides to help kill (again!) the other Nazi zombies. Can you have a better side plot? No, you cannot.
There are several scenes that will astound the mind. The best (maybe of all time) features a bus full of girls (about 7-8) who pull over near the lake. They get out, walk down to the water, and get naked as Blue Jays. Then, inexplicably, they start splashing each other and giggling. The zombies, awakened as we know by nudity, begin to eat them one-by-one. What do the girls do who are nearby while their friends are being eaten? Naturally, the leftover girls continue to splash and wait their turn to die. Why run away when you can splash in a lake? Genius.
If you are counting at home there have been somewhere near 20 exposed U-boats and half as many sparkle boxes by the 50 minute mark. That’s a healthy number, no doubt, but gratuitous? I need at least a boob a minute before I’ll throw around that particular word. What are you? A Puritan or something?
Another important fact about this movie that is often lambasted by lesser reviewers is the makeup. People seem to think that green face paint that regularly rubs off on its victims is a bad thing. I feel this is a rather amazing supernatural talent. And the fact that the makeup runs when wet (which is always) just shows that the zombies don’t have long to kill everyone before…actually I got nothing for that one. The makeup runs. It’s hilarious.
Also, some have said this movie gets boring, noting the often incredibly long periods of time with no dialogue. Once again, this is a feature not a failure. It gives the viewer time to make up their own dialogue and act out, in snooty French voices of course, what might be happening. Kinda like a Choose Your Own Adventure movie. Once again, genius move.
And who cares if cameramen are routinely seen in mirrors, seemingly without even trying to hide. It just adds a little character and serves as an opportunity to distract the viewer with another set of random boobs. And, so what that a swimming pool masquerades as the infamous lake for most of the film. Believe me, if you drink a gallon of Jack Daniels before watching this flick you will never even notice. Jacky D is the preferred drink for this film by the way. It’s gotta be something with a little burn.
Sure, the director may have desperately tried to hide his name from the movie due to massive embarrassment. And sure, the special effects and acting are preposterously dumb. But therein lies what makes this film special. Zombie Lake truly is beyond compare – nothing comes close. As far as the “So-bad-it’s-good” genre goes, this film gets my top spot.
A thing of?incomprehensible?beauty.