婀栦汉鐜板焦鐞冨憳 :Beware! Children at Play
Carrying over the bad taste from last night I decided to watch a movie that, like a lot of movies I watch, has no equal. (Spoilers throughout from here on) This one has no equal in the amount of kids that are brutally massacred with pitchforks and assorted people mob weapons. But before the killings that make this movie so controversial an amazing amount of bad movie cheese is on display. Acting is on a level that borders between apathetic to that guy must have a lobotomy levels of terrible. But for those who want to a bad movie that is not afraid to murder little bastards (ie..break the sh*t out of a major taboo) then this flick is for you. Just make sure to mix up a gallon or so of the purple drank before you start this one.
Let me try to explain the plot as the best I can surmise. A young boy’s father dies on a camping trip. Before he dies he spews some gibberish (Beowulf poems, stuff about goblins). The boy is never found and starts up his own cult and religion based off the thing’s his father said. He then kidnaps the children of the local village and brainwashes them, sometimes in seconds, to become cannibals who attempt to eat everyone ever. After the 12th kid goes missing the town’s Sherriff decides he should maybe do something about this. He calls his friend who is a writer focusing on aliens and a father of a girl in the perfect age group to be stolen. It’s a match made in heaven.
There are several astounding sequences in this film but none better describe the Sherriff’s incompetence (and the film’s ineptitude) than the one I will now describe. The Sherriff and his writer friend go to a local farm to follow up on a lead. When they arrive the writer immediately darts off behind the barn. Why? Because it allows him to discover a car (hidden and covered up) belonging to man whom he saw earlier on the street. Clearly something is up. Well, clearly to everyone but the Sherriff. The writer suggests they follow up on this find because he has what is called a “sixth sense about these kinds of things.” The Sherriff is completely blown away by this idea. It might be the greatest thing he has ever heard. A mentally challenged monkey wearing a tutu would make for a better Sherriff.
None of this plot detail matters, though. This movie was made for one purpose and one purpose only – to kill the f*ck out of kids. Which happens, pretty much out of the blue, when the town just goes ape sh*t on their children. Yes, most of the adults that doing the killing were the parents of the kids they kill. The phrase, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out” never rang truer. This scene is unbelievably bloody, disturbing and sadistic. Kids, ages 4-15ish, are shot, beaten, pitch-forked, impaled – you name it. This is five minutes of film insanity on a level that hasn’t come close to being duplicated (before or since).
Beware: Children at Play is completely amateurish, wholly bad, and outrageously stupid. The only reason it’s even around still is for the carnival of children’s blood finale. Even then, I can’t recommend this one to anyone but the most hardcore Troma lovers and future child murderers.
Snore Factor: ZZZ