瓒崇悆鐞冨憳鎺掑悕 :Titanic 2
The Asylum’s contributions to film will undoubtedly be recognized by Earth’s future overlords as the most important thing humans ever did. Titanic 2 only reinforces the studio’s overall brilliance.
We open on an ice-shelf surfer. What is ice-shelf surfing you ask? It’s what surfers who are too extreme for regular waves do for kicks. It involves slipping into a wet suit, cruising up to the Canadian ice shelf and waiting for chunks of ice to break off, fall into the ocean and create rideable waves. This is loads of fun until a chunk the size of Manhattan falls off and swallows our extreme broseph whole. Bummer, Brah!
Old Man Science Hero is quickly on the case and choppers his way up to Canada to investigate. He meets up with Science Hottie and they talk about how global warming is the opposite of the bees knees. During this convo the entire ice shelf breaks off and begins heading towards, you guessed it, the Titanic II.
A millionaire douchebag of epic proportions recreated the famous ship and has just launched the maiden voyage on the 1ooth anniversary of the original sinking. I can think of no greater tribute to those poor lost souls than to build a replica of their death vessel and sail it over their graves whilst sucking back Jaeger Bombs. It’s the way Leo would have wanted it.
Stringing the plot together is Nurse Hottie, former lover of Millionaire Douche and current daughter of Old Man Science Hero. After the wave hits the ship, and conveniently takes out half the life boats, she gets trapped in the bowels of the ship with her ex. By bowels of the ship I obviously meant the hallways on the second floor of a La Quinta motel. The Millionaire Douche and Nurse Hottie slowly fall back in love, even though he clearly has three other girlfriends and is also a huge douche. Oh, by girlfriends I meant strippers from Jumbo’s Clown Room who had the afternoon off.
Particularly interesting are some of the new features of the recreated Titanic. One notable feature is its ability to have either three or four smoke stacks depending on its mood. Also of note is how those same towers sometimes change colors (from red to yellow and back). One can only assume the ship, like many women, couldn’t decide on its outfit and accessories. More peculiar is the name of the boat playing hide and seek throughout the movie. One minute it’s there, the next it’s gonzo.
As luck would have it, the first wave was only a baby. The now crippled Titanic II is right in the path of a Tsunami of biblical proportions. Old Man Science Hero decides to chopper race the Tsunami to the floating death trap of irony to save his daughter. Never mind that the Tsunami is traveling 850 miles per hour and is massive enough to end life on Earth. He’s a dad first, Goddamnit!
I normally wouldn’t do this, but I’m going to finish this review and spoil the ending. You’ve been warned.
Nurse Hottie and Millionaire Douche find themselves trapped underwater in an elevator shaft. Bummer. They find some scuba gear. Yes! There’s only one mouth piece. Bummer. Instead of risking cooties, the guy does the honorable thing and dies. Science Hero Daddy, finally shows up and promptly Scubas his way through the now completely submerged and sinking fast ship and finds/rescues his daughter. I hope he bought a Mega-Millions ticket later on that evening because the odds of that rescue being successful were slightly less than zero.
And that’s pretty much it. Several thousand people die, a massive cataclysmic global life threatening Tsunami is loose, but Old Man Science Hero’s daughter is safe. And that, my friends, is the only thing that matters.
All in all there is no reason anyone on earth should ever watch this movie. Unless, of course, you have 87 minutes to kill and want to make your life less meaningful. It’s an outright mess, it’s poorly everythinged and is absolutely deserving on its sub 2.0 IMDb rating. That said, I like it for what it is, mindless trash that is perfect for MST3k’ing with friends.
Snore Factor: ZZZZZ